This is a summary of Deborah Tannen's "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships", which was published in 1986. It deals with the language in conversations which can cause misunderstandings due to differing interpretations. Tannen divides her work into ten short chapters which fall under the ambit of four more general topics: Linguistic and Conversational Style, Conversational Strategies, Talking at Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships and What You Can and Can’t Do with Conversational Style.
Table of Contents
- Linguistic and Conversational Style
- Chapter 1: Introduction to Conversational Styles
- Chapter 2: How Conversational Styles Work
- Chapter 3: Signals and Devices in Conversation
- Conversational Strategies
- Chapter 4: Indirectness in Conversation
- Chapter 5: Framing and Footing
- Chapter 6: Power and Solidarity
- Talking at Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships
- Chapter 7: Deterioration of Understanding in Relationships
- Chapter 8: Talk Between Men and Women in Intimate Relationships
- Chapter 9: Criticism in Relationships
- Chapter 10: What You Can and Can't Do with Conversational Style
Objectives and Key Themes
The book's objective is to explore how differing conversational styles can lead to misunderstandings and relationship difficulties. It aims to increase awareness of the role of metalanguage (how we say things, not just what we say) in communication and provide strategies for improving interpersonal interactions.
- The impact of conversational style on relationship dynamics
- The interplay between informational and meta-messages in communication
- Gender differences in conversational styles and their consequences
- Strategies for navigating indirectness, framing, and power dynamics in conversation
- The role of criticism and its potential for both harm and connection in relationships
Chapter Summaries
Chapter 1: Introduction to Conversational Styles: This introductory chapter lays the groundwork for understanding the book's central theme: how differences in conversational styles can lead to miscommunication and conflict. Tannen introduces the concept of metalanguage, highlighting the importance of how something is said, in addition to what is said. She uses personal anecdotes to illustrate how these seemingly subtle differences can have significant impact on relationships. The chapter establishes the premise that many communication breakdowns stem not from personality flaws, but from differing conversational styles and a lack of awareness of their impact.
Chapter 2: How Conversational Styles Work: Building on the introduction, this chapter delves into the mechanics of conversational styles. Tannen explores the tension between involvement and independence in communication, illustrating how different cultural and gendered approaches to this tension shape conversational patterns. The concept of politeness is examined, showing how attempts at being considerate can be misinterpreted due to varying conversational styles. The chapter emphasizes the importance of recognizing the double bind of wanting both connection and autonomy, and how negotiating this dynamic via metamessages is crucial for successful communication.
Chapter 3: Signals and Devices in Conversation: This chapter focuses on specific verbal and nonverbal cues that contribute to conversational style. Tannen analyzes pacing and pausing, loudness, pitch, and intonation, demonstrating how interpretations of these signals vary widely. She highlights the potential for misunderstandings arising from differences in perceived appropriate levels of emotional expression and the way questions are used. The chapter underscores the often-unconscious nature of these signals and their powerful influence on the overall dynamic of a conversation.
Chapter 4: Indirectness in Conversation: This chapter examines the strategic use of indirectness in communication. Tannen explores how indirect language can be used to maintain politeness, avoid confrontation, and allow the recipient greater autonomy in their response. She discusses the roles of irony and sarcasm in creating shared understanding, and the potential for indirectness to either foster connection or mask true intentions. The chapter explores how these different interpretations of indirectness can impact relationships.
Chapter 5: Framing and Footing: This chapter introduces the concepts of framing and footing – how we present information and our perspective within a conversation. Tannen highlights the unspoken nature of framing and the risks involved in explicitly discussing it. She illustrates how different frames can lead to misunderstandings and how metamessages play a significant role in shifting or reinforcing those frames. The chapter emphasizes the importance of understanding one’s own framing and interpreting the frames of others to avoid conflict.
Chapter 6: Power and Solidarity: This chapter explores the complex relationship between power and solidarity in conversation. Tannen highlights gender differences in the expression of both, showing how displays of solidarity can sometimes be misinterpreted as attempts at control. She demonstrates how the use of names and terms of endearment can reflect power dynamics and how misinterpretations of these dynamics can hinder communication. The chapter emphasizes the tension between maintaining individual autonomy and fostering connection.
Chapter 7: Deterioration of Understanding in Relationships: This chapter examines the decline in understanding that often occurs over time in close relationships. Tannen attributes this, in part, to escalating expectations and increased opportunities for observing and criticizing each other's behavior. She introduces the concept of complementary schismogenesis, highlighting the cyclical escalation of negative interactions that can result from differing conversational styles. The chapter illustrates the process of how minor communication problems evolve into significant conflicts.
Chapter 8: Talk Between Men and Women in Intimate Relationships: This chapter analyzes gender differences in communication within romantic relationships. Tannen explores how women's focus on metamessages and their tendency to interpret men's words through their actions often lead to misunderstandings. She connects these communication styles to gendered socialization, contrasting the small-group dynamics girls experience with the larger group dynamics boys experience. The chapter concludes with recommendations for bridging the communication gap between men and women.
Chapter 9: Criticism in Relationships: The chapter addresses how criticism is perceived and processed in close relationships. Tannen demonstrates how criticism, even when well-intentioned, can easily be taken personally and lead to defensiveness. She explores how criticism can be used to maintain distance and individuality, but cautions about the potential for harm when not delivered carefully. The chapter presents strategies for providing constructive criticism and interpreting criticism from others constructively.
Keywords
Conversational style, metalanguage, metamessages, communication, relationships, gender differences, indirectness, framing, power, solidarity, criticism, miscommunication, understanding, schismogenesis.
Frequently Asked Questions: A Guide to Conversational Styles
What is the book about?
This book explores how different conversational styles can lead to misunderstandings and relationship difficulties. It focuses on the importance of "metalanguage" – how we say things, not just what we say – and provides strategies for improving communication and interpersonal interactions.
What are the key themes explored in the book?
Key themes include the impact of conversational style on relationships, the interplay between informational and meta-messages, gender differences in conversational styles, strategies for navigating indirectness and power dynamics, and the role of criticism in relationships.
What specific conversational styles are discussed?
The book delves into various aspects of conversational styles, including indirectness, framing (how we present information), footing (our perspective in a conversation), and the dynamics of power and solidarity in communication. It also examines how pacing, pausing, loudness, pitch, and intonation contribute to the overall style and potential for miscommunication.
How does the book address gender differences in communication?
The book analyzes gender differences in conversational styles, exploring how women's focus on metamessages and men's communication styles can lead to misunderstandings in intimate relationships. It connects these differences to gendered socialization and offers strategies for bridging the communication gap.
What role does criticism play in relationships, according to the book?
The book examines how criticism, even when well-intentioned, can be easily misinterpreted and lead to defensiveness. It explores how criticism can be used to maintain distance or foster connection, offering strategies for delivering and interpreting constructive criticism.
What are some practical strategies offered in the book for improving communication?
The book suggests strategies for navigating indirectness, understanding and managing framing and footing, addressing power dynamics, and delivering and receiving criticism constructively. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing and understanding both verbal and nonverbal cues in communication.
What is the overall objective of the book?
The book aims to increase awareness of how differing conversational styles impact relationships and provide readers with tools to improve their communication skills and navigate potential misunderstandings more effectively.
What are the main chapters and their respective focuses?
The book is structured around chapters that progressively delve into conversational styles. Early chapters introduce the concept of metalanguage and explore how conversational styles work, examining verbal and nonverbal cues. Later chapters focus on specific aspects like indirectness, framing, power dynamics, and the deterioration of understanding in relationships, with a special focus on gender differences and the role of criticism.
What are some key terms used throughout the book?
Key terms include conversational style, metalanguage, metamessages, indirectness, framing, footing, power, solidarity, criticism, miscommunication, and schismogenesis.
Who is the intended audience for this book?
The book is intended for anyone interested in improving their communication skills and understanding the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, particularly in the context of potential misunderstandings arising from different conversational styles.
- Quote paper
- Delia Ostach (Author), 2015, Summary of "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen, Munich, GRIN Verlag, https://www.grin.com/document/388618